Blonde Jokes III
The Ultimate Collection of Blonde Jokes
How do you drown a blonde?
a) Tell her there's a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of
the pool
or
b) Tell her there's a mirror at the bottom of the tub
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted
What is it called when a blonde dies her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence
What do you call 100 blondes sitting in a circle?
A dope ring
What do you have when you stand 100 blondes next to each
other, shoulder to shoulder?
A wind tunnel
How does a blonde clean her house?
She hires a maid
How do blonde braincells die ?
Alone.
How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it.
A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her
window seat?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle
row.
Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over
her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2
hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.
How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.
How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't. They're born that way.
Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
They're too hard to peel.
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip
cookies?
You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.
Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out all the W's.
Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
How do you keep a blonde busy?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
"Thanks, guys... So, are you all on the same team?"
What's brown and red and black and blue?
A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
One.
Why couldn't the blonde write the number 11 ?
She didn't know what ONE came first...
What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
Divorced.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Why do men like blonde jokes??
Because they can understand them.
What do you get when you find a blonde skeleton in a closet?
Last year's Hide and Go Seek champion!
A group of blondes were driving to Disneyland. They saw the
sign that said "Disneyland LEFT", and turned around and
went home!
A blonde and a brunette were walking through a park. The
brunette said, "Oh look at the poor dead bird." The
blonde looked up and said, "Where??"
Whats the difference between a Computer and a blonde ?
A Blonde would never accept a 3½ inch floppy.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde
are walking down a street and see a $100 bill, Who picks it up ?
.......... The dumb blonde, as the other 3 don't exist.
Two blondes walking in the woods come across some tracks, One
blonde says that they are deer tracks the other says they are
wolf tracks, in the meantime a train came along and ran them down
How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless
Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a
thunder storm?
A: She loves taking pictures (flashes, got it?).
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs
brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
A: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini
skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her christmas tree lights are on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T
WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her
jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery?
A: Ever-ready.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of
Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off.
A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"