• Customer: "I have just received your software, but I have these plastic things, what are they?"

• Tech Support: "Could you describe them please?"

• Customer: "They are black plastic, thin, and square."

• Tech Support: "Anything else?"

• Customer: "They have a metal bit on one edge."

• Tech Support: "Disks?"

• Customer: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just brought your package. What do I do with them?"

I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate already.

• Tech Support: "Put the disks in the drive."

• Customer: "What's a drive?"

• Tech Support: "The slot in your machine that looks just the right size for the disk."

• Customer: "Which machine?"

• Tech Support: "Do you have a hard drive?"

• Customer: "I have two boxes. One has a picture on it."

• Tech Support: "Put the first disk in, metal side first."

• Customer: "Ok. It's gone in."

• Tech Support: "Go to the 'start' button, then run, then type 'setup'."

• Customer: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn it on?"

• Tech Support: "Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and press the button that says 'power' on the machine without the pictures on it."

• Customer: "Ok. Done."

• Tech Support: "Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type 'setup'."

• Customer: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks, but your software isn't very easy to use, is it?"

Customer: "How do I get the other side of the CD to play?"

• Customer: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

• Tech Support: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

• Customer: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

• Tech Support: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

• Customer: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

• Tech Support: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

• Customer: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CDROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

• Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"

• Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

• Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

• Customer: "Ok."

• Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

• Customer: "No."

• Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

• Customer: "No."

• Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

• Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

• Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

• Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

Prime Stupidity

• Tech Support: "What exactly happened?"

• Customer: "Well, I tried to download netscape, but the connection kept dropping."

• Tech Support: "Ok, then what?"

• Customer: "Well, I couldn't find the file to delete it, so I formatted my hard drive."

• Tech Support: "What?"

• Customer: "Yes. Do you know somewhere I can download DOS?"

• Tech Support: "Thank you for calling. How can I help you?"

• Customer: "Help!"

• Tech Support: "What's the problem, sir?"

• Customer: "My Disk Drive started making funny noises, so I put my finger in it to see what was wrong, and now I CAN'T GET IT OUT!!"

Customer: "If I want somebody to send a reply to my email...should I include a self-addressed stamped envelope along with it?"

• Tech Support: "How may I help you?"

• Customer: "I'm writing my first email."

• Tech Support: "Ok, what seems to be the problem?"

• Customer: "Well I can get the 'a'. But how do I put the circle around it?"

• Customer: "I can't seem to send any email. Is the Internet full?"

• Tech Support: "What are you doing to send it?"

• Customer: "I write it down on a piece of paper, slide it into the slot on the front of my computer, and click on 'send mail'."

• Customer: "You sent me this diskette. Are you gonna send me a computer so I can run this?"

• Tech Support: "Excuse me?"

• Customer: "Yeah, I just got your software in the mail...when are you sending the computer?"

• Tech Support: "You don't have a computer?"

• Customer: "Nope. But I have the software -- just send me the computer, and you've got a new member."

• (Old Lady )Customer: "I got a shiny silver thing in the mail and I saw your phone number on the package. I put it under the chair as I'm afraid of it. What do I do ?"

• Tech Support: "Well ma'am, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's for your computer."

• (Old Lady )Customer: "Well, I don't have a computer. The directions say 'install and run'. I'm too old to run."

A call came from a little girl:

• Timid Voice: "I just got your diskette today."

• Tech Support: "How can I help you, honey?"

• Timid Voice: "It won't fit my computer."

• Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you have?"

• Timid Voice: "A V-Tech Talking Whiz Kid."

• Customer: "Do you have WordPerfect for Gameboy?"

• Tech Support: "No, but I'll call you when it comes in."

Sometimes it's better to go along with the customer and not ask questions.

• Customer: (exasperated) "I'm sure it's the correct password. I typed in the one I saw (another co-worker) use to login to her machine."

• Tech Support: "And what password was that?"

• Customer: "Five asterisks."

• Customer ( Furious ): "I bought the Internet the other day, and it ain't workin'."

• Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, can you explain what's happening?"

• Customer: "Well, I called that number that you gave me, and it don't do nothing."

• Tech Support: "What do you mean?"

• Customer: "When I call it, all it does is squeal in my ear!"

Silence.

• Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you have a computer?"

• Customer: "Computer? Hell Sir, I pay you twenty dollars a month! I don't need no computer!"

The Internet

• Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"

• Customer: "I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?"

• Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Independance Day tomorrow?"

Backups

• Customer: "I lost some of my files. I archived them, but when I went to retrieve them, they were gone!"

• Tech Support: "What program did you use to archive your files?"

• Customer: "I used DOS -- but now I can't find them!"

• Tech Support: "Ok, what program are you using to do this?"

• Customer: "I used 'undelete', but they aren't there."

• Tech Support: "Uh...what command did you use to archive your files?"

• Customer: "I used 'del' and the filename."

It turned out that the guy had been deleting files, which would free up disk space (he liked that), and when he wanted a file again, he would undelete it. Apparently he actually got away with this for a while, until he discovered 'defrag', which overwrote his deleted files.

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