Ted: Did you bring the travel
scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel
scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were
travelling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I
didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!
Jack: I like cake!
EOIN MCLOVE- What if the old
one says something, and I don't know what to say back?
PATSY- Oh, I don't know (Looks exasperated)
EOIN- Ere! (Points to Dougal) This one's lookin a bit weird!
PATSY- Eoin!
DOUGAL- God Ted, it's like a
big tide of jam commin towards us, except its a big jam made
out of old women.
POLICEMAN- It's a straight
choice father. Either they pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a
night in the cells
TED- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on
them, and under the circumstances, I think a night cells
might be a better option
POLICEMAN- (Nods his head)
DOUGAL- Ted....
TED- Shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- No Ted....
TED- I told you to shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- I was just going to say that....
TED- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money) Here's
your blood money.But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when the police of this country were friends of the
church! Drink driving charges quashed, parking tickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to the odd murder! But
now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking Dougal) Ted Ted why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the bet! Well i
did! Are you happy? Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of many people. Thank you so much.
DOUGAL- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I was just going to say that your that your fly is
open.
DOUGAL- Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Chicken Curry, Pilau Rice and a Can of Fanta thanks.
POLICEMAN- Do you know where you are? Your in a police
station.
DOUGAL- Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the
Satay Chicken.
TED- Eoin, did you come with
those suitcases?
EOUIN- No. These are yours. But I saw a lot of stuff that i
liked, and I'm taking them with me.
DOUGAL- Oh, that's very cheeky
TED- (After singing 'My Lovely
Horse') So what did you think about it in general, then?
Father Jack pulls out a shotgun and shoots Ted's Guitar
TED- Right.
DOUGAL- God Ted, Jacks been
asleep good long time. Do you think he's dead again?
TED- No Dougal. Look at Jack. Look at that steely
determination. And.... Oh my god, I've just realised Jacks
been asleep for 14 days! They run to Jacks chair.
TED- Oh my God (pulls out a bottle) He's drunken a whole
bottle of dreamy sleepy nighty snoozy snooze!
DOUGAL- God Ted, I can't wait
for the footy season, to run out on the field and do physio
type things with the magic sponge
TED- Dougal, do know what the magic sponge actually does?
DOUGAL- It soaks up....Germs!
JACK- (after sobering up, points at Sister Mary) Nan!
TED- No jack, she's a nun.
JACK- NUN! AHHHH!!!! (Jack then runs through the window)
TED- He's just gone for his morning walk.
DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them
into a giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press
and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down
there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo
paraphernalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.
DOUGAL- Look, this tables so
dirty I can write my name in it
TED- There's a 'G' in Dougal
DOUGAL- Where?
DOUGAL- Good news Ted! I think
he's just pulled up! And the good news is, that he can only
afford a crappy blue Ford Cortina. Ha! Just imagine driving
around in that thing.
TED- That's MY car.
TED- So there he is. Risen
from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.
DOUGAL- Now, think hard Ted.
Where's the last place that you'd think I'd put the rabbits?
TED- Well, now when I think about, I'd have to say, Bishop
Brennans room
DOUGAL- Bingo! I put the rabbits in the last place he'd think
of them! His own room! he'll never find them there!
DOUGAL: Spider-Baby- It's got
the body of a spider, and the mind of a baby.
DOUGAL- I'm not good at
judging the size of crowds, but I'd say there's about 17
Million of them out there.
Dougal: Sorry Ted, I was
looking at the ticket upside down.
Ted: Dougal, have we any
incense?
Dougal: Em...there was a spider in the bath...
Tourist: Fup-off, you
grass-hole!
Fr. Stack: While you were out,
I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And
if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all
that matters.
Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.
Ted: Dougal, do we have any
incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the
other night....
Fr. Stack: You're sittin'
there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile
on your face. Ye daerty feckers.
Ted: Of course... they all
have lovely bottoms!
Ted : So you took Father Jack
out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal : Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't
happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to
him anyway?
Ted : Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.
Ted : Dougal, you can't sit
around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the
eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here. I
have Cheese and Onion, and Salt and Vinegar and I eat them
both in the same go.
Ted : I think we'd all like to
make a little sacrifice.
Jack : SACRIFICE? ARSE!
Dougal : Oh Wow! It's like a
big rabbit rock festival!
Father Fitzpatrick: And this
is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few
death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!
Jack: DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL
ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND!!!
Bishop Brennan: You will
address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!
Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was
concentrating too hard on looking holy.
Bishop Brennan: He DID kick me
up the arse!
Father Fitzpatrick: You left
the cyanide capsules next to the Valium, you old fool. That's
just asking for trouble!
Jack: (judging a Wet T-shirt
competition) More Water!
Jack: ARSEBISCUITS!
Ted : And what do you think is
behind tomorrows window Fr. Jack ?
Jack: A pair of Feckin womens Knickers!
Ted : Yes.
Jack: Knickers.
Ted : I think I'll just stop talking to Fr. Jack now.
Dougal: God, Ted. D'you
remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to
shoot him?
Eoin McLove: You leave me
alone. I could have you killed.
Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN
ECUMENICAL MATTER!
Dougal: It's like a great big
tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.
Mrs Doyle: Are you looking
forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be
eating likes pheasant as well.
Dougal: The ants are back Ted!
You'd better get going,
because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no
demand for that. Because it's shite.
Ted: Dougal, how did you get
into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12
crisp packets and become a priest?'
Jack: I'm sooooo, sooooo,
soooo sorry!
Ted: Now that's sarcasm.
Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as
'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
Dougal: God, I've heard about
those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our
Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.
Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs
letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?
Pat Mustard: I'm a very
careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the
bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial
contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not
really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!
Ted: Dougal, don't you think
that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair
and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more
than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.
Dougal: Those women were in
the nip!
Jack: I love my .... brick!
Mrs Doyle: Pat was just
wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.
Ted: Dougal, have you been
drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage
wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.
Dougal: As if magic, I can
create a big crowd of invisible ducks.
Dougal: How come all the rocks
are different sizes?
Ted: Sheep, like all
wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it's
colder, and they won't be so stuffy.
Dougal: Can I stay up tonight
to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a
scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't
mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If
that isn't scary, I don't know what is.
Mrs Doyle: I'm so excited.
Taking on three bishops all at once. I can't wait.
Dougal: How did the sergeant
catch Father Jack at all?
Ted: Well, Dougal. He's an elderly priest driving a Flymo at
2 miles per hour around the island. How hard could it be?
Ted: What was it [Jack] used
to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.
Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!
Dougal: Ted, will you look at
this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
Dougal: Where?
Dougal: A one-word film. There
can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?
Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a
priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to
do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!
Ted: So there he is. Risen
from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.
Polly Clarke: My husband. Now
there was a man who really was afraid of Virginia Woolf.
Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?
Dougal: Aah! Brilliant. A load
of people in a stable! It's the one thing I didn't expect.
Ted: So... let me get this
straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and
whipping him. For an hour.
Dougal: Yes.
Ted: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of
my life?
Dougal: Put your clothes back
on, Carol, I can't concentrate.
Fr. Stack: While you were out,
I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And
if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all
that matters.
Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general.
And now on BBC1: Jurassic
Park. The Director's Cut. With extra dinosaurs.
Jack: How did that gobshite
get on the television?
Jack: FLOOR! COR-TAINS!
GOBSHITE!
Wait a second. You're Elvis as
well!
It's nice to have a nun
around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.
So then. You're a nun?
Father Brendan: God Ben I'm
such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me head !
Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail
Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like
that time you
said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !
Jack: I'm a happy camper!
Ted: Two hundred pounds? I'm
not trying to buy cocaine!
John O'Leary: What can we do
for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair.
Sergeant
Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.
Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted,
Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to
heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!
Ted: So you took Father Jack
out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen
again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him
anyway?
Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
Fairground - "Attention
please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats."
"I won't be happy until
the last rabbit round here is the one inside your head,
working the controls!"
Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some
cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's
not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little
things... Raisins!
Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such
filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and
"Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the
"F" word!
Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father,
what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!
Jack: (after sobering up) YOU!
YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father
Dougal: Oh Wow! It's like a
big rabbit rock festival!
Dougal: Do you believe in God,
then Ted?
Dougal: I'll have them Mrs
Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to
turn into a big giant egg.
Ted: I think that process has already begun.
Ted: His note from the bishop
said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's
not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere...
who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing
jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Ted: The holy stone... It must
be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it's something to do
with that fellow who came over from England last year. He
touched it - and he grew a beard!
Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to
a Class 1.
Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people
back to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very
rare.
Dougal: Well, who cares
anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they
fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about
that?
Ted: Dougal, they're bishops! (pause)
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
Ted: I think it might work,
Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted: ...It won't, no.
Ted: What am I doing on the
fecking wheel!!!
Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse!
Reverse!
Ted: Now concentrate this
time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are
very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far
away...
Father Stack: I want to listen
to some music.
Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.
Ted: Dougal, you can't go
around wearing an earring.
Dougal: But Father Damo has one!
Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack
cocaine or something?
Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, could
you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple
of weeks?
Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me
old bike - I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to
the shops on it, you know? But after a while... it just
wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger
thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping) You're right, Ted,
I admit I've got a problem...
Old priest: I really shouldn't
be here.
Ted: You know the phrase 'to
take care of something'? Well, I realise now that you meant
that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was thinking more
along the lines of Julie Andrews.
Dougal: God I've never seen a
clock at 5 a.m. before!
Mrs Doyle: Oh - by the way,
Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside.
Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself.
Mrs Doyle: Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers
they're in the kitchen.
The bishop looks puzzled and worried.
Mrs Doyle: I thought they needed a little wash. The only
trouble is... I broke the side window as I was snapping them
off.
Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again!
Mrs Doyle: Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your
car petrol or diesel?
Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just
curiosity. Is it petrol or...?
Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel!
Mrs Doyle: Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage
if I was to put petrol in it?
Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's
engine.
Mrs Doyle: Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly
won't be doing that then! (turns to leave with a look of
horror and guilt on her face)
FLOOR! COR-TAINS! GOBSHITE!
Ted: Dougal, do we have any
incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the
other night....
Fr. Stack: You're sittin'
there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile
on your face. Ye daerty feckers.
Dougal: It's nice to have a
nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.
Dougal: So then. You're a nun?
Ted: Of course... they all
have lovely bottoms!
Jack: Are those my feet?
Father Brendan: God Ben I'm
such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me head !
Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail
Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like
that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving
the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !
Jack: I'm a happy camper!
Ted: So you took Father Jack
out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen
again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him
anyway?
Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such
filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and
"Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the
"F" word!
Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father,
what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!
Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is
trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy, dirty business,
sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you
with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I
want you to get a good clear picture.
Jack: (after sobering up) YOU!
YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father
Ted: I think we'd all like to
make a little sacrifice.
Jack: SACRIFICE? ARSE!
Dougal: Do you believe in God,
then Ted?
Dougal: I'll have them Mrs
Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted: I think that process has already begun.
Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted: ...It won't, no.
Ted: What am I doing on the
fecking wheel !!!
Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse!
Reverse!
Father Stack: I want to listen
to some music.
Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.
Old priest: I really shouldn't be here.
Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!
